I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.