When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing