Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Battery falling down a hole
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.