“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.