My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.