I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.