*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.