The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
want me to check your oil?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second