octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL