normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.