My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I enjoy a good short stor
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
it must be school picture day
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness