If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My new favorite headline
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.