Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?