Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.