Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
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Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.