“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO