gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.