So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.