future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You had me at “define legal”.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Thrilling chase underway
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd