My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Living the best life.. 😊
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.