I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving