“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet