The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Not helping
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
shit just got real
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
181.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.