the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
he’s doing your taxes
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.