They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought