eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
translated into Canadian
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here