A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker