I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal