[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone