Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Meow
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.