Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.