one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
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Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?