Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
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The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
When he asks for feet pics
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
When you don’t understand how floors work
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
BaD BoY!!
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*