[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
so this horse walks into a bar
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15