Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
File under excellent bookstore names.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I want what they have