Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
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My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled