Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework