[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*