this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time