You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
You Might Also Like
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
That 👊
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Start the year as you intend to continue.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.