People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
motivation
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad