Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
You Might Also Like
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
wishing you and yours all the best
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Why soy sad?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?