I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.