Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
You Might Also Like
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.