My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
True.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*