People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*