You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal