addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You Might Also Like
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you