[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
What the dentist sees
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?