I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Yup.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it